Till the End

March
Mum's been crying for five days
So has dad, although he's better at hiding it
He's comforting her right now
It seems rather backwards really, considering I'm the one who's sick
But I haven't cried at all
The doctors say that there are lots of treatments for brain tumors
That's why we're sitting in a hospital cafeteria on a Wednesday when any other normal 15 year old would be in school
I'm thirsty so I get up and try to find a vending machine
They're serving spaghetti, but I can't smell it
Not anymore, not since the smoke
I find a vending machine and have just plugged in the numbers for a coke, when a boy, a teenager, presses himself against the side of the machine.
He's panting, and obviously hiding from someone
He sees me staring at him and holds out a hand
"Nick." He's completely bald, but he has a friendly face and a really nice smile
I smile back and take his hand, "Katie."
"What are you here for?" He's very blunt, but I suppose none of us are here for kicks
"Leukemia." He says it as if he's telling me his favorite sports team or his dog's name
I tell him, "Brain tumor."
I pull my coke from the machine and open it
"Better enjoy that." He says, nodding at my coke
"Why?"
"You'll lose your taste at some point."
Just then a nurse sees him
Even as he tries to duck behind me she marches towards him, a fierce look on her face
She takes him by the arm and drags him away
He salutes me as she pulls him out of my sights
I take a sip of my drink
I already can't taste it.



July
It's been four months since they diagnosed me with a malignant tumor
Schools over, and I spent most of it losing hair and undergoing radiation
My friends have moved on
We're waiting for the results of my latest treatment, if it worked, I'll get better, if it didn't…
The doctors want me to stay positive
It's unbearable, this waiting, so I get up to walk around
Someone calls my name
I turn around, it's Nick
"Hey!" he says grinning
We've talked once or twice in the past months
"I'm not dead yet."
"I can see that." I'm glad he isn't
"How've you been?" He asks.
I rub my head self-consciously, it's just a thin layer of fuzz.
His hair has grown in, while mine has fallen out.
It's dark, like mine
"Your hair suits you, shows off your cheekbones."
I blush
"So will you go out with me?"
I stare at him
"You know, on a date."
"We're in a hospital. We could die any day."
"All the more reason." He's right
"Ok, yeah, I'd like that." My phone rings
"Great I'll call you." He runs off
I open my phone, it's dad.
"Honey the tests are back."
Oh no
He starts to cry




September
Nick and I walk hand and hand down the street
The street lights cast shadows on our faces
The scars on our hands line up
We match
We get to my house and he cups his hand around my neck
He's so familiar now
When he leans down to kiss me I stand on my toes in anticipation
The kiss is gentle, because we are both so fragile, so much weaker than the world around us
But I don't have much time
I pull him closer to me, deepen the kiss
Suddenly it's a war, and I'm powerful
Stronger than the disease that is slowly killing me
Because I have him
And for a moment everything is good
But then it ends and I'm leaving
I turn one last time to wave at Nick
And as I see him staring at me, his eyes dark, there's an unfamiliar feeling in my chest
It fills me with terror
Because how can I say good bye to him now?



December
I had another seizure
This one was really bad
I have to tell Nick
But I just can't
Because he's getting better and I'm not
Because He's going to forget me
Even though he told me he loved me
I don't want to be forgotten
He lies next to me on the sofa
Twirling a piece of my hair around his finger
It's snowing outside
It'll be a white Christmas
I have to tell him
"What's wrong?"
Now's my chance
I roll over so I'm facing him
"I have to tell you something."


May
It's an unusually hot spring day
Or so they tell me, I need a winter coat I'm so cold
Nick and I are at the park
He hugs me tightly and buries his face in my neck
"Please don't leave me." He whimpers
"Make me a promise." My voice is ragged
"When I'm gone..." I feel his hot tears on my skin
"No." He sobs
"You have to let me go."
"But what if I can't?" He hugs me tighter as if he can physically keep me with him
I wish he could
I don't want to die
I don't want to say goodbye to him forever
"You have to." I whisper, "Or I can never be free."
"I love you so much."
"I love you too."
"But please stay just a little longer."
"I will."
But some promises are made to be broken


June
"What's going on?" it's Nick
Oh god I can't move
"Goddammit someone tell me what the f*** is going on
Then his face floats into view
Tears are pouring down his cheeks as he presses his lips to mine
Darkness
I CAN'T SEE!
My parents have already said goodbye
They tell me that they're holding my hand
I'm dying aren't I?
Oh it scares me
"Katie, stay with me!"
"I love you so much, more than you can imagine."
"I was supposed to grow old with you." His voice breaks
"But now you're leaving me and I don't know if I'll be able to breathe without you."
"And I know that you don't have much time left, but I want you to know that I will NEVER forget you. NEVER. I love you."
My memories are slipping away
I think of all the beautiful things I've seen
There are colours I can't remember the names of
My mum and dad
A bird singing in the early morning
A sunset
A lullaby, singing me to sleep
And Nick
His face
Till the end
Whispering
I Love you